18.1. Shame vs. Guilt in childhood development#

Before we talk about public criticism and shaming and adults, let’s look at the role of shame in childhood.

In at least some views about shame and childhood1, shame and guilt hold different roles in childhood development:

  • Shame is the feeling that “I am bad,” and the natural response to shame is for the individual to hide, or the community to ostracize the person.

  • Guilt is the feeling that “This specific action I did was bad.” The natural response to feeling guilt is for the guilty person to want to repair the harm of their action.

In this view, a good parent might see their child doing something bad or dangerous, and tell them to stop. The child may feel shame (they might not be developmentally able to separate their identity from the momentary rejection). The parent may then comfort the child to let the child know that they are not being rejected as a person, it was just their action that was a problem. The child’s relationship with the parent is repaired, and over time the child will learn to feel guilt instead of shame and seek to repair harm instead of hide.

1

This view of shame/guilt is perhaps more individualistic and perhaps more common in individualistic cultures. It might work differently in other cultures (e.g., face)